Selfish selflessness continued.
Selfless suffering as codependency: “Here, let you help me...”
Last week I wrote in part about “selfish selflessness” and how it’s linked to our shame. I’m going to keep the train rolling.
I think "selfish selflessness" leaves the people being "served" with a sense that the one being "selfless" isn't really there. Example: no one may have a single bad thing to say about the person who always goes along with everything. However this "selfless" person's lack of boundary often leaves people with a general sense of uncertainty about that individual. If their yes's and no's are not clear, who are they? It’s the classic "nice guy" fallacy. But being nice isn't always the kind thing to do. In this case it puts the onus of decision making on someone else. And, it can often lead to bitterness in the heart of the “selfless” person. (Perhaps that felt bitterness is actually self-contempt at an inability to have a solid core. Something to think about.)
Earlier this week one of my professors defined codependency as "dependency on someone's dependency." Example: the spouse who's addicted to their partner's alcoholism. But wait, don’t most people resent their partner’s problems? Perhaps to a degree. But remember the category of masochism? Yeah, sometimes we get off by suffering. Also, the category of narcissism. That thing we resent in someone else is probably the part of ourselves that we’ve disowned.
We might as well define the whole "selfish selflessness" phenomenon as codependency. Such “selflessness” depends on other people’s needs. However, most of the time these needs are make-believe. This “selfless” defaulting to the other is an assumption that they are dependent on our ability to tend to their needs. The real need is for the “selfless” person to express their internal world, and for the dyad/group to then engage in a meaningful dance of desire.
It’s tempting to start to look down on the “selfishly selfless” person. However the codependent has learned how to caretake because having their own needs was bad. The “nice guy” who is “cool with whatever” is likely driven by a shame based fear that if he were to express his desire, he would be expelled from the garden of friendship. While codependent people often care for others needs & desires, they don’t often express their own. Their difficulty being direct with their needs & desires and their lack of a clearly defined sense of self is born out of shame. They learned early on that their needs & desires were bad. Their external caretaking keeps them from their own internal emptiness, which comes as a result of years of forgoing their own needs & desires.
So what’s the cure?
Practice being separate.
Practice having your own needs & desires.
Understand the “family sins” against younger you.
Be honest about what you gain from your codependency.
Find a safe environment to get your dependency needs met.
I consistently get called a “nice guy”. Yikes.
Of interest
1. Music - Sometimes things come around with an eery sene of déjà vu. I listened to The Belle Brigade’s eponymous album right after my college romance ended. Now that I’m fresh out of a grad school relationship I can’t get enough of Ethan Gruska’s latest album En Garde. Ethan and his sister, Barbara, are The Belle Brigade.
2. Book - I finished Malcom Gladwell’s most recent book Talking to Strangers today. Don’t read it. Listen to the audiobook! Gladwell narrates the book himself. Unlike the typical audiobook, anytime he cites a recording the actual audio clip is played. So cool. It’s basically like listing to a very long podcast. Aside from my fondness for the format, I think this book should be required reading for anyone who lives in America. Gladwell‘s conclusion that we need to overhaul our systems to work with our innate trust bias comes from his engagement with the topics of fraud, policing practices, suicide, and alcohol influenced rape. I’m thankful for his willingness to engage difficult things to bring about something different. He is a man with ferocious hope.