How to create a narcissist

Raising narcissists 

In my Spirit & Trauma class I’m a part of a reading group that is focused on the influence of theology on parenting styles and the subsequent impact of those styles on children. I’ve approached this through the lens of narcissism. 

It’s been revealing to see how my own patterns of narcissism are linked to the beliefs that informed how I was raised. My internal grandiosity results from the emphasis on external behavior that stems from a belief in original sin. 

Here’s how it works. 

When a parenting style becomes focused solely on controlling behavior, children are raised to become invisible. By focusing on the external behavior of the child, the inner emotional world is neglected. At best, this neglect teaches the child that their feelings are unimportant; at worst, the child develops a deep sense of shame and splitting that is carried into adulthood. With an externally defined sense of self (behavioralism), the child will retreat into their own inner fantasy world to find a sense of safety. In this safe internal world, the child likely develops a grandiose internalized version of themself to counter the feelings of shame that come when their external self does not meet the standards of their parents. This is the beginning of a narcissistic defense structure. Neville Symington notes that narcissism hates self-knowledge; narcissists split off the parts of themselves that they cannot tolerate. When the internal world is never tended to, children learn that their internal worlds must be intolerable. Thus children learn to split off their internal world - to treat part of themselves as un-knowable. Behavioristic parenting sets children up to develop narcissistic defense structures of the self. 

Behavior oriented parenting teaches children that they are what they do; this is a confusion of the external and the internal. Confusing the internal and external is a common phenomenon in narcissistic individuals.

When I reflect on my inner world as a child, I remember telling myself stories where my role was the knight in shining armor. I found a sense of freedom as the good character in my imagination stories. However it’s a bit tragic I had to retreat into my mind to find a sense of security. That pattern certainly makes intimate relationships difficult. 

If I ever have kids, I want to parent something closer the styles put forth in Cindy Wang Brandt’s Parenting Forward or Dan Siegel’s The Whole Brained Child.

Yes, Dad & Mom I still love you. 

Of interest 

1. Podcast - If you like poetry (or even if you don’t) you should check out Poetry Unbound by On Being. Pádraig Ó Tuama narrates two poems a week. Poetry often requires multiple reads to peel back the layers of meaning. I appreciate how each episode both begins and ends with a reading of the featured poem. 

2. Music - I stumbled across August Green’s Tiny Desk Concert this week. I’ve been a growing fan of Robert Glasper over the past year, so when I saw his name attached to the video I had to click. Common’s rhymes are next level. I’ll come back to this again and again. Also, 11:23. “How much do I owe you for what’s already mine?” - Maimouna Youssef