Masochism, Resilience, Selflessness

Pain, pleasure, suffering, selflessness

What is the difference between resilience and masochism? Both concepts swim in the waters of suffering, but are drastically different. 

Masochism’s delight is in pulling one over on the one inflicting pain by outlasting them. Resilience’s delight is in transforming what was meant for ill into something good. 

Masochism invites pain. Resilience invites growth. 

Masochism minimizes the self. Resilience strengthens the self. 

Masochism increases narcissism. Resilience invites self-knowledge. 

Masochism is a product of shame. Resilience is a product of honor. 

Masochism is rigid. Resilience is dynamic. Masochism repeats old patterns. Resilience develops a new way of being. If we keep finding ourselves in the same patterns of relational suffering, perhaps we are operating out of our masochistic tendencies and not out of resilience. 

In the particular Christian tradition I grew up in, I learned to conflate masochism with selflessness. I viewed my suffering as something to be praised. I’m still learning to differentiate between masochism and true selflessness. Sometimes it’s tricky. Selflessness does not delight in suffering, but rather in what the other gains from the act of selflessness. Masochism, on the contrary, delights in what suffering brings to the one suffering. 

Conflating masochism with selflessness is nothing short of evil. How much delight have I missed out on because I’ve been so selfishly focused on laying my life down? Not for the the delight of what good might be for the other, but for my own need to feel like I did the right thing (and thus attempt to resolve my own shame). But shame cannot be resolved at the individual level. It requires the loving gaze of someone who can witness our shameful parts and not look away with disgust. 

So here’s to recognizing when we are delighting in our own suffering and moving towards resilience and true selflessness, which are not bound by shame, but rather honor, delight, and love. 

Of interest 

1. Quote - “One doesn’t have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient.” Charles M. Blow

2. Article - Here’s an article about the particularities of love that I find myself wishing I had read about five months ago.